Again.
Things happened so fast - that its almost a year. Even though gadgets practically control your life nowadays, there are still thing (or things) that you cant control - i.e people, emotions. Affected, yes. Vastly.
Lets forget about that bad things, and focus on the happy ones. I have turned 24 (not sure whether its happy news), met great people (and jerks too), travelled further and Im about to tick off the first item in my bucket list.
No, its not pregnancy or what-so-ever you think it is.
My working holiday visa has been granted, to Australia. Its getting more and more real by day (almost 3 months since the approval now). The process was extremely surreal - one day I was wandering aimlessly reading travel articles, the next Im filling up application forms already. It still feels a little too-good-to-be-true, but hell yeah! Be joyous!
I mean... its something to be happy of, but at times - I just wished things were easier. Mom and Dad are totally okay with it, but when I think it further, I'm leaving everything behind. You know.. They are getting older by day - I love them very, and frankly - I could have been a better daughter. And, I sometimes feel that I couldn't count on my sister to be there for them, when they need a fix on their computer, or some software gone wrong. I like it when people rely on me.. LOVE it actually. And, I love them so much - that I worry about them every single day.
What if mom catch a cold? What if dad was having a bad stomach? What if mom needed to print a paper and nobody knows how to feed the printer? What if dad needed someone to talk to? What if mom went all sentimental during March? What if they argued over a stupid thing?
I have never ever being reckless in my life, and I wonder what would I be.
Time will tell.
10.03.2013
10.05.2012
A message to a friend
We are all grown ups. Knowing that there is no Right or Wrong in every decision you make as, it is YOUR decision. You are the only person knowing whether its a correct thing to do.
Put yourself in the poor fiance's shoes, what will she feel if she found out this.. Fling that involves you? It couldn't possibly be grateful or joy. Undoubtedly, he's an asshole in disguise of prince charming meat suit.
For a periodical moment of 'fling', or 'romance' or as you call it - love at first sight, don't get me wrong. I truly believe in love at first sight - but your feelings in this situation is not untimely, its pretty selfish.
Why would you want to get involved in this sort of connection? It bothers me because you were okay-ing for it to happen. It was a fling, but you enabled his irrational untimely encounter into a love at first sight. He was irrational, but you enabled him, giving him signs that you are actually indulging in this 'fling' too.
I'm not sure what is your ultimate intention / purposes in this whole scenario, it's your decision to make whether to hit the delete button, or making him yours, or keep it in the vague state. I have no authority to tell you which road to take. Just remember, he's an ass. Married ass.
At least, it is unacceptable for me that you have enabled him for the second and third time. As a friend, i can only advise you on which road not to take; As a human being, this is something I despises in a person. I couldn't possibly say it out loud to your face as writing it out offends me. First mistake, fine.. but second third and forth?
I would like to not to discuss this further. If you feel like sharing, I'll just listen. Because, I do not know where will this lead to, and I treasure our friendship - and this genre of discussion puts me in the situation where, it might jeopardize our friendship.
I'm thankful that you felt compelled to tell me the details, and I have done what I can do to help. No matter how many hours you talked to me on the phone telling me that you are miserable, reassuring that there was nothing going on etc, it all laid waste when you replied to his invitation. Again, he's an ass, married.
I will still be here to listen, but - the comments will be the same as the first advise I gave.
If any of the words above have offended you somewhere, Im sorry. But, Im writing this because I treasure our friendship, and I wouldn't want as ass who gave you a moment of weak knee to ruin it.
Period.
Put yourself in the poor fiance's shoes, what will she feel if she found out this.. Fling that involves you? It couldn't possibly be grateful or joy. Undoubtedly, he's an asshole in disguise of prince charming meat suit.
For a periodical moment of 'fling', or 'romance' or as you call it - love at first sight, don't get me wrong. I truly believe in love at first sight - but your feelings in this situation is not untimely, its pretty selfish.
Why would you want to get involved in this sort of connection? It bothers me because you were okay-ing for it to happen. It was a fling, but you enabled his irrational untimely encounter into a love at first sight. He was irrational, but you enabled him, giving him signs that you are actually indulging in this 'fling' too.
I'm not sure what is your ultimate intention / purposes in this whole scenario, it's your decision to make whether to hit the delete button, or making him yours, or keep it in the vague state. I have no authority to tell you which road to take. Just remember, he's an ass. Married ass.
At least, it is unacceptable for me that you have enabled him for the second and third time. As a friend, i can only advise you on which road not to take; As a human being, this is something I despises in a person. I couldn't possibly say it out loud to your face as writing it out offends me. First mistake, fine.. but second third and forth?
I would like to not to discuss this further. If you feel like sharing, I'll just listen. Because, I do not know where will this lead to, and I treasure our friendship - and this genre of discussion puts me in the situation where, it might jeopardize our friendship.
I'm thankful that you felt compelled to tell me the details, and I have done what I can do to help. No matter how many hours you talked to me on the phone telling me that you are miserable, reassuring that there was nothing going on etc, it all laid waste when you replied to his invitation. Again, he's an ass, married.
I will still be here to listen, but - the comments will be the same as the first advise I gave.
If any of the words above have offended you somewhere, Im sorry. But, Im writing this because I treasure our friendship, and I wouldn't want as ass who gave you a moment of weak knee to ruin it.
Period.
8.25.2012
A gentle reminder from a friend.
That, I have not been blogging since forever.. Not THAT long, but I might have forgotten what it feels like scribbling through lines figuring myself out.
Have been taking some babysteps recently. *chuckles* Went clubbing with besties and found out that Im either with dual personality, or possessed. *touch wood* ahahah... I have made some meaningless reassurance before we hit the club that I believed in. (past tense). Like :-
' I don't scream in public places.'
Which is pretty true because.. I end up shrieking instead, whenever the DJ spins songs that I've heard before. Shriek to the top of my lungs especially when the DJ spun 'Payphone'. (Don't judge)
And, way before this -
' I don't think I'll dance.'
Imagine my hair, totally soaked in mixers spilled on the bar top right where we were standing- just across the dance floor. To be frank, even I was in shock myself. *jaw-drops*
' I'll just drink and enjoy the music.'
After 3 rounds of Glenmorangie, some random club mix song kick-started the 'inner' me, and there I go. *blush*
And the funny thing is... I started making stupid suggestions, which I can still recall after so many days... Then, I literally kept all wits and words in me, and have been conversing in vowels instead... *shock*
Clinking my glass, mending the drinks, dancing, hands up in the air... *fuhhh*
Like the song sings - dance like there's no tomorrow. I never knew I can get so hyped over club hits so intensely because I've always been a 30 seconds to Mars or David Cook person.
Met some really WILD clubbers, girls mostly, share the spot - drink booze, dance to tunes and break some laughters. It was fun!!
The thing I find hilarious was, when momma-clubber-friend tried to chill me down, from all the disbelievement she had in me - she sorta succeed for like, 1/2 minute? And failed miserably. *giggles*
Thats the problem with club-V? Inability to control? She said it's just me. *roll-eyes*
Overall, it was an interesting experience... Amazed though, not sure whether it's a positive or not-so-good thing. The booze, the feeling, the peeps I hang with... They are awesome, and made me feel safe to behave like what I did. *grins*
Have a happy weekend people. *mucho-lovs*
p.s. I'm stuck with this Titanium song.. STILL!! After so many days... *sigh*
Have been taking some babysteps recently. *chuckles* Went clubbing with besties and found out that Im either with dual personality, or possessed. *touch wood* ahahah... I have made some meaningless reassurance before we hit the club that I believed in. (past tense). Like :-
' I don't scream in public places.'
Which is pretty true because.. I end up shrieking instead, whenever the DJ spins songs that I've heard before. Shriek to the top of my lungs especially when the DJ spun 'Payphone'. (Don't judge)
And, way before this -
' I don't think I'll dance.'
Imagine my hair, totally soaked in mixers spilled on the bar top right where we were standing- just across the dance floor. To be frank, even I was in shock myself. *jaw-drops*
' I'll just drink and enjoy the music.'
After 3 rounds of Glenmorangie, some random club mix song kick-started the 'inner' me, and there I go. *blush*
And the funny thing is... I started making stupid suggestions, which I can still recall after so many days... Then, I literally kept all wits and words in me, and have been conversing in vowels instead... *shock*
Clinking my glass, mending the drinks, dancing, hands up in the air... *fuhhh*
Like the song sings - dance like there's no tomorrow. I never knew I can get so hyped over club hits so intensely because I've always been a 30 seconds to Mars or David Cook person.
Met some really WILD clubbers, girls mostly, share the spot - drink booze, dance to tunes and break some laughters. It was fun!!
The thing I find hilarious was, when momma-clubber-friend tried to chill me down, from all the disbelievement she had in me - she sorta succeed for like, 1/2 minute? And failed miserably. *giggles*
Thats the problem with club-V? Inability to control? She said it's just me. *roll-eyes*
Overall, it was an interesting experience... Amazed though, not sure whether it's a positive or not-so-good thing. The booze, the feeling, the peeps I hang with... They are awesome, and made me feel safe to behave like what I did. *grins*
Have a happy weekend people. *mucho-lovs*
p.s. I'm stuck with this Titanium song.. STILL!! After so many days... *sigh*
6.09.2012
Friends with Benefits
Yes, I am talking about that movie where hot Mila Kunis meets super hot Justin Timberlake. Its interesting how relationship gets so.. simple. Like the other one, No Strings Attached.
As the matter of fact, it has become a sport, where it doesn't involve any emotional attachments. Just pure sweating and enjoying the moment. When you wake up, its either you walk out of the door and continue your life, or have a breakfast and hangout some other time.
Girls, or females seems to be on the lower hand in this situation. Its a two way argument- especially in our society. If you both have enjoyed the sex, nobody is losing anything i guess.
We all agree that females are more sensible in the emotion department, just make sure you dont fall for your 'sport' partner, or else you'll end up calling the radio station asking for help and i'd be stuck in the traffic listening to my mom's lecture about 'girls nowadays..' (its my friend whose stuck in her mom's nagging)
But yet, i understand that this is a religious matter to, where most of the teachings wants us to avoid sex before marriage or, resist the temptation of the 7 sins. Some even think, this is an influence from tv or movie shows. Devillish, and lustful it is.
But again, there are still underage teen got knocked up even if they go to church every weekend.
I dont intend to make it a religion thing, its pure science. Girls want sex as bad as guys, and for me- its okay to commit into a relationship and have a healthy sex life of yourself as long as you are responsible of your property - your body.
And for friends with benefit, its a similar concept where, you'll need extra control with your heart. Thats all.
As the matter of fact, it has become a sport, where it doesn't involve any emotional attachments. Just pure sweating and enjoying the moment. When you wake up, its either you walk out of the door and continue your life, or have a breakfast and hangout some other time.
Girls, or females seems to be on the lower hand in this situation. Its a two way argument- especially in our society. If you both have enjoyed the sex, nobody is losing anything i guess.
We all agree that females are more sensible in the emotion department, just make sure you dont fall for your 'sport' partner, or else you'll end up calling the radio station asking for help and i'd be stuck in the traffic listening to my mom's lecture about 'girls nowadays..' (its my friend whose stuck in her mom's nagging)
But yet, i understand that this is a religious matter to, where most of the teachings wants us to avoid sex before marriage or, resist the temptation of the 7 sins. Some even think, this is an influence from tv or movie shows. Devillish, and lustful it is.
But again, there are still underage teen got knocked up even if they go to church every weekend.
I dont intend to make it a religion thing, its pure science. Girls want sex as bad as guys, and for me- its okay to commit into a relationship and have a healthy sex life of yourself as long as you are responsible of your property - your body.
And for friends with benefit, its a similar concept where, you'll need extra control with your heart. Thats all.
10.31.2011
A dream not to be forgotten
Have you ever had a dream, that is so vivid - which made you feel sad when you wake? I had one last night.. It tore my heart into pieces, yet filled with love at the same time.
I have no idea how it started, but i remembered it was during a concert. Of whom shall i not reveal, yet - those who knew me will know who it is. Let us call him - Mr L. So.. In this dream, somehow my alter ego decides that i am of a personality that is 100% in love with Mr L. Yet, i am not brave enough throughout the time to confess or reveal my affection towards him.
Somehow, there was this opportunity during a homecoming/prom concert that, he was the alumni to perform. So, the whole troop of Mr L dashed in with private jet and luxurious coach and a whole team of backstage.
I am definitely going but, what can a sidekick-ish person like me can do besides watching him from a distance? Watching him from a distance is what i'll do. So, i have been anticipating for the day-performance day to come.
Somehow, i was mistaken as a backup dancer ot something... And in my dream-i dance!! I was pushed into the backstage area to get prepared and was shoved to the stage as a dancer. That moment.. Was as thrilling as the moment when u magically stomp into your first highschool crush around the corner by fate.
As the story goes, the show ended and there was this brief discussion backstage with Mr L and the troop. The second magical part occurs - he noticed me. And he said tht, he remembered that i was from the same class as he does. And, we began out chitchatting.
It was so real that, i swear i would have blushed in my real sleeping life when he first talked to me. Asked me about the school, how my life has been doing.. Etc. Yet, the only thing i was concerned about is whether is he single/available. And then he said that... He's single.
This is when i put my self in a tough situation where, i have given myself too much hope upon him-hoping that he'll notice me. My heart has crumpled together like a piece of paper that has love poems written on it - you know you should toss it into a can, yet deep down inside your heart you've been wishing that he'll somehow be the perfect prince in a fairytale having a crush on you too.
Supermarkets, grocery shopping yet hiding from paparazi etc... For a few times in that dream, i've lost track of him while following him and the troops people in the couple of days. I got so worried.. So so so worried that, i think i cried in my real life. It was so real with all the running all over the place, asking everybody i've met on my way whether they have seen Mr L on their way...
Until, the camera rolled on an empty stage, where the show has ended and everybody was packing up leaving town. From this moment, the crumpling in the heart starts. The thought that he's leaving and might not be coming back has drawn tears from my eyes.
I ran all around the place looking for him holding a piece of paper with something drawn on it. I didnt pay much attention until i found Mr.L in a waiting room with his troop loading up stuffs into the coach to continue with their tour.
The crumpling in the heart magnified immensely and, i breathe in some air and tapped on his shoulder.
'I thought you'll stay for a short holiday or an escapade ;)'
'I actually have a tour to be at.'
'Ouh.. So, where is your next station?'
'Ukraine.'
'Wow! Thats far..'
'Mmhm.. Yeahh.'
'It was enjoyable talking to you for the past few days running around in the malls and etc. Esp the chitchatting ;)'
'Me too'
'Well, i was wondering... Can I get your email or cell number so that we could sort of get in touch privately or stg? Ukraine is really far ;-/'
Until this moment, i think my heart skipped a couple of beats waiting for his response...
'You see.. I don't normally give out my personal contacts that easily. Not until i know that particular person thoroughly.. Why dont we just keep it that way?'
I smiled at him, though my heart has crumpled up and bled till its last drop of blood. Waved him goodbye before he step foot into the liner coach.
Mr. L, please stop appearing in my dreams already.
I have no idea how it started, but i remembered it was during a concert. Of whom shall i not reveal, yet - those who knew me will know who it is. Let us call him - Mr L. So.. In this dream, somehow my alter ego decides that i am of a personality that is 100% in love with Mr L. Yet, i am not brave enough throughout the time to confess or reveal my affection towards him.
Somehow, there was this opportunity during a homecoming/prom concert that, he was the alumni to perform. So, the whole troop of Mr L dashed in with private jet and luxurious coach and a whole team of backstage.
I am definitely going but, what can a sidekick-ish person like me can do besides watching him from a distance? Watching him from a distance is what i'll do. So, i have been anticipating for the day-performance day to come.
Somehow, i was mistaken as a backup dancer ot something... And in my dream-i dance!! I was pushed into the backstage area to get prepared and was shoved to the stage as a dancer. That moment.. Was as thrilling as the moment when u magically stomp into your first highschool crush around the corner by fate.
As the story goes, the show ended and there was this brief discussion backstage with Mr L and the troop. The second magical part occurs - he noticed me. And he said tht, he remembered that i was from the same class as he does. And, we began out chitchatting.
It was so real that, i swear i would have blushed in my real sleeping life when he first talked to me. Asked me about the school, how my life has been doing.. Etc. Yet, the only thing i was concerned about is whether is he single/available. And then he said that... He's single.
This is when i put my self in a tough situation where, i have given myself too much hope upon him-hoping that he'll notice me. My heart has crumpled together like a piece of paper that has love poems written on it - you know you should toss it into a can, yet deep down inside your heart you've been wishing that he'll somehow be the perfect prince in a fairytale having a crush on you too.
Supermarkets, grocery shopping yet hiding from paparazi etc... For a few times in that dream, i've lost track of him while following him and the troops people in the couple of days. I got so worried.. So so so worried that, i think i cried in my real life. It was so real with all the running all over the place, asking everybody i've met on my way whether they have seen Mr L on their way...
Until, the camera rolled on an empty stage, where the show has ended and everybody was packing up leaving town. From this moment, the crumpling in the heart starts. The thought that he's leaving and might not be coming back has drawn tears from my eyes.
I ran all around the place looking for him holding a piece of paper with something drawn on it. I didnt pay much attention until i found Mr.L in a waiting room with his troop loading up stuffs into the coach to continue with their tour.
The crumpling in the heart magnified immensely and, i breathe in some air and tapped on his shoulder.
'I thought you'll stay for a short holiday or an escapade ;)'
'I actually have a tour to be at.'
'Ouh.. So, where is your next station?'
'Ukraine.'
'Wow! Thats far..'
'Mmhm.. Yeahh.'
'It was enjoyable talking to you for the past few days running around in the malls and etc. Esp the chitchatting ;)'
'Me too'
'Well, i was wondering... Can I get your email or cell number so that we could sort of get in touch privately or stg? Ukraine is really far ;-/'
Until this moment, i think my heart skipped a couple of beats waiting for his response...
'You see.. I don't normally give out my personal contacts that easily. Not until i know that particular person thoroughly.. Why dont we just keep it that way?'
I smiled at him, though my heart has crumpled up and bled till its last drop of blood. Waved him goodbye before he step foot into the liner coach.
Mr. L, please stop appearing in my dreams already.
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