A dream not to be forgotten

Have you ever had a dream, that is so vivid - which made you feel sad when you wake? I had one last night.. It tore my heart into pieces, yet filled with love at the same time.

I have no idea how it started, but i remembered it was during a concert. Of whom shall i not reveal, yet - those who knew me will know who it is. Let us call him - Mr L. So.. In this dream, somehow my alter ego decides that i am of a personality that is 100% in love with Mr L. Yet, i am not brave enough throughout the time to confess or reveal my affection towards him.

Somehow, there was this opportunity during a homecoming/prom concert that, he was the alumni to perform. So, the whole troop of Mr L dashed in with private jet and luxurious coach and a whole team of backstage.

I am definitely going but, what can a sidekick-ish person like me can do besides watching him from a distance? Watching him from a distance is what i'll do. So, i have been anticipating for the day-performance day to come.

Somehow, i was mistaken as a backup dancer ot something... And in my dream-i dance!! I was pushed into the backstage area to get prepared and was shoved to the stage as a dancer. That moment.. Was as thrilling as the moment when u magically stomp into your first highschool crush around the corner by fate.

As the story goes, the show ended and there was this brief discussion backstage with Mr L and the troop. The second magical part occurs - he noticed me. And he said tht, he remembered that i was from the same class as he does. And, we began out chitchatting.

It was so real that, i swear i would have blushed in my real sleeping life when he first talked to me. Asked me about the school, how my life has been doing.. Etc. Yet, the only thing i was concerned about is whether is he single/available. And then he said that... He's single.

This is when i put my self in a tough situation where, i have given myself too much hope upon him-hoping that he'll notice me. My heart has crumpled together like a piece of paper that has love poems written on it - you know you should toss it into a can, yet deep down inside your heart you've been wishing that he'll somehow be the perfect prince in a fairytale having a crush on you too.

Supermarkets, grocery shopping yet hiding from paparazi etc... For a few times in that dream, i've lost track of him while following him and the troops people in the couple of days. I got so worried.. So so so worried that, i think i cried in my real life. It was so real with all the running all over the place, asking everybody i've met on my way whether they have seen Mr L on their way...

Until, the camera rolled on an empty stage, where the show has ended and everybody was packing up leaving town. From this moment, the crumpling in the heart starts. The thought that he's leaving and might not be coming back has drawn tears from my eyes.

I ran all around the place looking for him holding a piece of paper with something drawn on it. I didnt pay much attention until i found Mr.L in a waiting room with his troop loading up stuffs into the coach to continue with their tour.

The crumpling in the heart magnified immensely and, i breathe in some air and tapped on his shoulder.

'I thought you'll stay for a short holiday or an escapade ;)'

'I actually have a tour to be at.'

'Ouh.. So, where is your next station?'

'Ukraine.'

'Wow! Thats far..'

'Mmhm.. Yeahh.'

'It was enjoyable talking to you for the past few days running around in the malls and etc. Esp the chitchatting ;)'

'Me too'

'Well, i was wondering... Can I get your email or cell number so that we could sort of get in touch privately or stg? Ukraine is really far ;-/'

Until this moment, i think my heart skipped a couple of beats waiting for his response...

'You see.. I don't normally give out my personal contacts that easily. Not until i know that particular person thoroughly.. Why dont we just keep it that way?'

I smiled at him, though my heart has crumpled up and bled till its last drop of blood. Waved him goodbye before he step foot into the liner coach.

Mr. L, please stop appearing in my dreams already.

When I read back.

I figured, it's just a transition that everybody has to go through. Changed my job again. Somehow, I kinda have the feeling that I'm being despised. Anyway, fuck the negativity. Tomorrow is going to be better. And, it did.
Remember how I was bragging how fun it was in the previous workplace? Yeah, I fucked up really really hard, and I do feel that I fucked up. Hm... I thought I was contributing. Nevermind.

Soon before I 'quit' my job, I've landed another one. Doing retail now. Since day 1, I think I rendered 20 3Ds? Fun! But, I dont get to use Vray - It's all fine i guess? Freelance.. I'm here waiting :) Oh yeah, after this set of ..10 3Ds that I'm currently rendering, might have a chance to site manage.

That's worklife.

Last Sunday, we went to visit Wilber's grave. The feelings are less intense as compared previously. And, It's been really really really long since I last blogged - life has been occupying and it helped soothing the loss in me. I love you unquestionably and, hope that you are all fine with His Almighty.

Ouh, and Meg? She's got a hell lotta thing going on with her life. My life just seems to be so barren with I look into hers. Sometimes, I wonder. What will you be if you are still here with us. Anyway, bless her from heaven - that everything will be just fine for her.

After visiting Wilber, its a regular house chore routine - sent our pups to the groomer, carwash and Chatime. Yeah! It's our favourite bubble tea drink :) So addicted. and I mean it.

Mom and Dad are as usual, bickering soon turns into argue and whole lotta screaming into each other's face. Guess that's their way of expressing themselves. The other day, Mom was cheesily asking dad out for a movie. LoL! It made me felt like I was the excessive item (we were having dinner in the living room), so I ran upstairs and sink in my own world.

Oh yeah! Mom and Dad bought an iPad2 for my 22nd birthday :) So, it practically gave me more reason to just hide at home doing whatever it is people do with their iPads. You see, I'm so not getting anywhere near dating Jared Leto because I stay at home all the time. Can you send him over to our house?? LOL

That night, we went to visit our grandparents. Dad's side. They don't look as happy as they used to. It's a family thing. Please send them your blessings so that they can be happy again. After working so hard for their kids and grandkids for decades - they deserve a happier life. God Bless them.

That's family-life.

Recently - I'm all into books, Marc Jacobs, novels, 30seconds to Mars, Jared Leto, Hollywood, Facebook, MyPad, IM+, PPS, Manga, pedicure manicure, working overtime, Adam Levine, KTV sessions and saving for year end? It seems like I have no awareness that my life is pacing into the stage where, it starts to age. And, I really mean AGING! I've never felt such terror for time to pass cruelly that, when you realise - that there's nothing to be done. No prevention, No cure. Nothing.

                         The Promises we made, were not enough;

                         The Prayers that we have prayed, were like a joke;

                         The Secrets that we swore, we'll never know;

                         The Love we had, the love we had, we had to let it go. 

                                                        - Hurricane, 30 Seconds to Mars

That's My life.

Isn't it fast?

I mean time.

Right before I quit my job (ex-job now), remember how I was complaining how 6pm strikes extremely slow? like slower a day than before? I don't know, it seems like if you've got 'your' job, the enthusiasts wont run out that quick. One moment, I was all excited to wake up every morning and go to work - in another , I just hoped that day time is shorter than night time. I hoped more for zanmai sessions than autoCAD. frankly, I hate that feeling.

Anyway, Its over - for about 2 months? and I'm happier than the time that I was confirmed.

Everything seems to be perfect now. Jobs are demanding and I'm now contributing while learning. Experiencing different things, exploring how things work. It sounds that there are better offer still; I'm comfortable with my current state. Maybe somehow, she's just not as bad as what she sounds like. That's in the first place why I joined them.

I remember the day I got so devastated when I rendered my own, very first 3D! It feels so different! And, the thing now is - I actually enjoyed working overtime, and expecting lesser outing. I know, michy is so not going to like this, but we've still got saturdays! dont we? Hey! when's our next session KTV? I've missed out so many movies that I would like to watch.

Every line I draw, every model I built is so satisfying. Lunch is so enjoyable that - we actually talk about food, work, people and giving out constructive comments! We make jokes in the office to ease up the environment - its relaxing, and work at the same time.

ouh.. and I FINALLY got enough money to change my phone? ROTFL. Its so fking embarassing to tell.

Well, a lot has changed - yet it seems to remain the same. Or should I put it this way - as long as I'm happy. Right?

P.s : love you all!! Dad Mom Meg Alice Mich Jasmynn Ying and everyone who went through this change with me.

Long time no post.

It has been long. Work is a constant bitch.

Life too... What else can we do besides succumbing to it?

pray really hard? I tried.

Well... trying to get adapt to this 'not-so-new' lifestyle has been tough.

Especially when you have a never-ending TO-DO-list.

and I practically sucked at everything, including my worsening relationship with my sister.

I was rude, and the only thing that she sees is that, I'm being rude.

Fyi, I've been avoiding the boyfriend-you're too young-you deserve better drama to happen.

Seems like, mom doesn't really care - dad's worried but being tied up by mom.

Rational thinking, I shouldn't even ask what's going on, since she's not under my jurisdiction.

Mom don't even care, why should I.

Sis's brain became jello with all the lovey dovey stuffs and I'm the villain bitch.

Spending my time worrying about her going out, and get a bad name??

'How can you be so rude?' - is what I get.

Why should I be such an irrational living thing?

Michy is right. I shouldn't turn my back on her, because there might be a day - she do need my help. I was there, all the time. And I will be. And, I'm not rude at her - just the guy that she's seeing, which totally makes sense because HE's got NOTHING to do with me. I practically am RUDE to everybody who's got nothing to do with me.

I was taught, to think the WORST out of every scenario. Which is why dad is a constant pain in the ass. It makes total sense because - I don't know where why how what you are really doing with this dude, whom I do not know. And the worse thing is that, I don't know when will you bring which phone number and will you pick up my call when I dial the number that I'm confused which is which. I'm not my mom, I care - in my way.

There have been numerous rotten examples of teenage problems, esp when you enter college. One tiny wrong step that you've taken - it will be the last thing that labels your status in this age. We are living in a country that is totally different from what we see in the movies - life is tougher than cat-fighting with fellow bitches who stole your boyfriend. People judge, and they judge beyond what they see - they ASSUME.

Go and have fun, but prioritize your life. If you don't love yourself more that everything else, nothing will love you as you deserved to.

And, family.

Re-think your family's position in your life. That is the thing I think lacks in your life.