Blog reading is fun.

Again. 

Things happened so fast - that its almost a year. Even though gadgets practically control your life nowadays, there are still thing (or things) that you cant control - i.e people, emotions. Affected, yes. Vastly.

Lets forget about that bad things, and focus on the happy ones. I have turned 24 (not sure whether its happy news), met great people (and jerks too), travelled further and Im about to tick off the first item in my bucket list.

No, its not pregnancy or what-so-ever you think it is.

My working holiday visa has been granted, to Australia. Its getting more and more real by day (almost 3 months since the approval now). The process was extremely surreal - one day I was wandering aimlessly reading travel articles, the next Im filling up application forms already. It still feels a little too-good-to-be-true, but hell yeah! Be joyous! 

I mean... its something to be happy of, but at times - I just wished things were easier. Mom and Dad are totally okay with it, but when I think it further, I'm leaving everything behind. You know.. They are getting older by day - I love them very, and frankly - I could have been a better daughter. And, I sometimes feel that I couldn't count on my sister to be there for them, when they need a fix on their computer, or some software gone wrong. I like it when people rely on me.. LOVE it actually. And, I love them so much - that I worry about them every single day.

What if mom catch a cold? What if dad was having a bad stomach? What if mom needed to print a paper and nobody knows how to feed the printer? What if dad needed someone to talk to? What if mom went all sentimental during March? What if they argued over a stupid thing?

I have never ever being reckless in my life, and I wonder what would I be.

Time will tell.

A message to a friend

We are all grown ups. Knowing that there is no Right or Wrong in every decision you make as, it is YOUR decision. You are the only person knowing whether its a correct thing to do.

Put yourself in the poor fiance's shoes, what will she feel if she found out this.. Fling that involves you? It couldn't possibly be grateful or joy. Undoubtedly, he's an asshole in disguise of prince charming meat suit.

For a periodical moment of 'fling', or 'romance' or as you call it - love at first sight, don't get me wrong. I truly believe in love at first sight - but your feelings in this situation is not untimely, its pretty selfish.

Why would you want to get involved in this sort of connection? It bothers me because you were okay-ing for it to happen. It was a fling, but you enabled his irrational untimely encounter into a love at first sight. He was irrational, but you enabled him, giving him signs that you are actually indulging in this 'fling' too.

I'm not sure what is your ultimate intention / purposes in this whole scenario, it's your decision to make whether to hit the delete button, or making him yours, or keep it in the vague state. I have no authority to tell you which road to take. Just remember, he's an ass. Married ass.

At least, it is unacceptable for me that you have enabled him for the second and third time. As a friend, i can only advise you on which road not to take; As a human being, this is something I despises in a person. I couldn't possibly say it out loud to your face as writing it out offends me. First mistake, fine.. but second third and forth?

I would like to not to discuss this further. If you feel like sharing, I'll just listen. Because, I do not know where will this lead to, and I treasure our friendship - and this genre of discussion puts me in the situation where, it might jeopardize our friendship.

I'm thankful that you felt compelled to tell me the details, and I have done what I can do to help. No matter how many hours you talked to me on the phone telling me that you are miserable, reassuring that there was nothing going on etc, it all laid waste when you replied to his invitation. Again, he's an ass, married.

I will still be here to listen, but - the comments will be the same as the first advise I gave.

If any of the words above have offended you somewhere, Im sorry. But, Im writing this because I treasure our friendship, and I wouldn't want as ass who gave you a moment of weak knee to ruin it.

Period.

A gentle reminder from a friend.

That, I have not been blogging since forever.. Not THAT long, but I might have forgotten what it feels like scribbling through lines figuring myself out.

Have been taking some babysteps recently. *chuckles* Went clubbing with besties and found out that Im either with dual personality, or possessed. *touch wood* ahahah... I have made some meaningless reassurance before we hit the club that I believed in. (past tense). Like :-

' I don't scream in public places.'

Which is pretty true because.. I end up shrieking instead, whenever the DJ spins songs that I've heard before. Shriek to the top of my lungs especially when the DJ spun 'Payphone'. (Don't judge)

And, way before this -

' I don't think I'll dance.'

Imagine my hair, totally soaked in mixers spilled on the bar top right where we were standing- just across the dance floor. To be frank, even I was in shock myself. *jaw-drops*

' I'll just drink and enjoy the music.'

After 3 rounds of Glenmorangie, some random club mix song kick-started the 'inner' me, and there I go. *blush*

And the funny thing is... I started making stupid suggestions, which I can still recall after so many days... Then, I literally kept all wits and words in me, and have been conversing in vowels instead... *shock*

Clinking my glass, mending the drinks, dancing, hands up in the air... *fuhhh*
Like the song sings - dance like there's no tomorrow. I never knew I can get so hyped over club hits so intensely because I've always been a 30 seconds to Mars or David Cook person.

Met some really WILD clubbers, girls mostly, share the spot - drink booze, dance to tunes and break some laughters. It was fun!!

The thing I find hilarious was, when momma-clubber-friend tried to chill me down, from all the disbelievement she had in me - she sorta succeed for like, 1/2 minute? And failed miserably. *giggles*

Thats the problem with club-V? Inability to control? She said it's just me. *roll-eyes*

Overall, it was an interesting experience... Amazed though, not sure whether it's a positive or not-so-good thing. The booze, the feeling, the peeps I hang with... They are awesome, and made me feel safe to behave like what I did. *grins*

Have a happy weekend people. *mucho-lovs*

p.s. I'm stuck with this Titanium song.. STILL!! After so many days... *sigh*

Friends with Benefits

Yes, I am talking about that movie where hot Mila Kunis meets super hot Justin Timberlake. Its interesting how relationship gets so.. simple. Like the other one, No Strings Attached.

As the matter of fact, it has become a sport, where it doesn't involve any emotional attachments. Just pure sweating and enjoying the moment. When you wake up, its either you walk out of the door and continue your life, or have a breakfast and hangout some other time.

Girls, or females seems to be on the lower hand in this situation. Its a two way argument- especially in our society. If you both have enjoyed the sex, nobody is losing anything i guess.

We all agree that females are more sensible in the emotion department, just make sure you dont fall for your 'sport' partner, or else you'll end up calling the radio station asking for help and i'd be stuck in the traffic listening to my mom's lecture about 'girls nowadays..' (its my friend whose stuck in her mom's nagging)

But yet, i understand that this is a religious matter to, where most of the teachings wants us to avoid sex before marriage or, resist the temptation of the 7 sins. Some even think, this is an influence from tv or movie shows. Devillish, and lustful it is.

But again, there are still underage teen got knocked up even if they go to church every weekend.

I dont intend to make it a religion thing, its pure science. Girls want sex as bad as guys, and for me- its okay to commit into a relationship and have a healthy sex life of yourself as long as you are responsible of your property - your body.

And for friends with benefit, its a similar concept where, you'll need extra control with your heart. Thats all.

A dream not to be forgotten

Have you ever had a dream, that is so vivid - which made you feel sad when you wake? I had one last night.. It tore my heart into pieces, yet filled with love at the same time.

I have no idea how it started, but i remembered it was during a concert. Of whom shall i not reveal, yet - those who knew me will know who it is. Let us call him - Mr L. So.. In this dream, somehow my alter ego decides that i am of a personality that is 100% in love with Mr L. Yet, i am not brave enough throughout the time to confess or reveal my affection towards him.

Somehow, there was this opportunity during a homecoming/prom concert that, he was the alumni to perform. So, the whole troop of Mr L dashed in with private jet and luxurious coach and a whole team of backstage.

I am definitely going but, what can a sidekick-ish person like me can do besides watching him from a distance? Watching him from a distance is what i'll do. So, i have been anticipating for the day-performance day to come.

Somehow, i was mistaken as a backup dancer ot something... And in my dream-i dance!! I was pushed into the backstage area to get prepared and was shoved to the stage as a dancer. That moment.. Was as thrilling as the moment when u magically stomp into your first highschool crush around the corner by fate.

As the story goes, the show ended and there was this brief discussion backstage with Mr L and the troop. The second magical part occurs - he noticed me. And he said tht, he remembered that i was from the same class as he does. And, we began out chitchatting.

It was so real that, i swear i would have blushed in my real sleeping life when he first talked to me. Asked me about the school, how my life has been doing.. Etc. Yet, the only thing i was concerned about is whether is he single/available. And then he said that... He's single.

This is when i put my self in a tough situation where, i have given myself too much hope upon him-hoping that he'll notice me. My heart has crumpled together like a piece of paper that has love poems written on it - you know you should toss it into a can, yet deep down inside your heart you've been wishing that he'll somehow be the perfect prince in a fairytale having a crush on you too.

Supermarkets, grocery shopping yet hiding from paparazi etc... For a few times in that dream, i've lost track of him while following him and the troops people in the couple of days. I got so worried.. So so so worried that, i think i cried in my real life. It was so real with all the running all over the place, asking everybody i've met on my way whether they have seen Mr L on their way...

Until, the camera rolled on an empty stage, where the show has ended and everybody was packing up leaving town. From this moment, the crumpling in the heart starts. The thought that he's leaving and might not be coming back has drawn tears from my eyes.

I ran all around the place looking for him holding a piece of paper with something drawn on it. I didnt pay much attention until i found Mr.L in a waiting room with his troop loading up stuffs into the coach to continue with their tour.

The crumpling in the heart magnified immensely and, i breathe in some air and tapped on his shoulder.

'I thought you'll stay for a short holiday or an escapade ;)'

'I actually have a tour to be at.'

'Ouh.. So, where is your next station?'

'Ukraine.'

'Wow! Thats far..'

'Mmhm.. Yeahh.'

'It was enjoyable talking to you for the past few days running around in the malls and etc. Esp the chitchatting ;)'

'Me too'

'Well, i was wondering... Can I get your email or cell number so that we could sort of get in touch privately or stg? Ukraine is really far ;-/'

Until this moment, i think my heart skipped a couple of beats waiting for his response...

'You see.. I don't normally give out my personal contacts that easily. Not until i know that particular person thoroughly.. Why dont we just keep it that way?'

I smiled at him, though my heart has crumpled up and bled till its last drop of blood. Waved him goodbye before he step foot into the liner coach.

Mr. L, please stop appearing in my dreams already.

When I read back.

I figured, it's just a transition that everybody has to go through. Changed my job again. Somehow, I kinda have the feeling that I'm being despised. Anyway, fuck the negativity. Tomorrow is going to be better. And, it did.
Remember how I was bragging how fun it was in the previous workplace? Yeah, I fucked up really really hard, and I do feel that I fucked up. Hm... I thought I was contributing. Nevermind.

Soon before I 'quit' my job, I've landed another one. Doing retail now. Since day 1, I think I rendered 20 3Ds? Fun! But, I dont get to use Vray - It's all fine i guess? Freelance.. I'm here waiting :) Oh yeah, after this set of ..10 3Ds that I'm currently rendering, might have a chance to site manage.

That's worklife.

Last Sunday, we went to visit Wilber's grave. The feelings are less intense as compared previously. And, It's been really really really long since I last blogged - life has been occupying and it helped soothing the loss in me. I love you unquestionably and, hope that you are all fine with His Almighty.

Ouh, and Meg? She's got a hell lotta thing going on with her life. My life just seems to be so barren with I look into hers. Sometimes, I wonder. What will you be if you are still here with us. Anyway, bless her from heaven - that everything will be just fine for her.

After visiting Wilber, its a regular house chore routine - sent our pups to the groomer, carwash and Chatime. Yeah! It's our favourite bubble tea drink :) So addicted. and I mean it.

Mom and Dad are as usual, bickering soon turns into argue and whole lotta screaming into each other's face. Guess that's their way of expressing themselves. The other day, Mom was cheesily asking dad out for a movie. LoL! It made me felt like I was the excessive item (we were having dinner in the living room), so I ran upstairs and sink in my own world.

Oh yeah! Mom and Dad bought an iPad2 for my 22nd birthday :) So, it practically gave me more reason to just hide at home doing whatever it is people do with their iPads. You see, I'm so not getting anywhere near dating Jared Leto because I stay at home all the time. Can you send him over to our house?? LOL

That night, we went to visit our grandparents. Dad's side. They don't look as happy as they used to. It's a family thing. Please send them your blessings so that they can be happy again. After working so hard for their kids and grandkids for decades - they deserve a happier life. God Bless them.

That's family-life.

Recently - I'm all into books, Marc Jacobs, novels, 30seconds to Mars, Jared Leto, Hollywood, Facebook, MyPad, IM+, PPS, Manga, pedicure manicure, working overtime, Adam Levine, KTV sessions and saving for year end? It seems like I have no awareness that my life is pacing into the stage where, it starts to age. And, I really mean AGING! I've never felt such terror for time to pass cruelly that, when you realise - that there's nothing to be done. No prevention, No cure. Nothing.

                         The Promises we made, were not enough;

                         The Prayers that we have prayed, were like a joke;

                         The Secrets that we swore, we'll never know;

                         The Love we had, the love we had, we had to let it go. 

                                                        - Hurricane, 30 Seconds to Mars

That's My life.

Isn't it fast?

I mean time.

Right before I quit my job (ex-job now), remember how I was complaining how 6pm strikes extremely slow? like slower a day than before? I don't know, it seems like if you've got 'your' job, the enthusiasts wont run out that quick. One moment, I was all excited to wake up every morning and go to work - in another , I just hoped that day time is shorter than night time. I hoped more for zanmai sessions than autoCAD. frankly, I hate that feeling.

Anyway, Its over - for about 2 months? and I'm happier than the time that I was confirmed.

Everything seems to be perfect now. Jobs are demanding and I'm now contributing while learning. Experiencing different things, exploring how things work. It sounds that there are better offer still; I'm comfortable with my current state. Maybe somehow, she's just not as bad as what she sounds like. That's in the first place why I joined them.

I remember the day I got so devastated when I rendered my own, very first 3D! It feels so different! And, the thing now is - I actually enjoyed working overtime, and expecting lesser outing. I know, michy is so not going to like this, but we've still got saturdays! dont we? Hey! when's our next session KTV? I've missed out so many movies that I would like to watch.

Every line I draw, every model I built is so satisfying. Lunch is so enjoyable that - we actually talk about food, work, people and giving out constructive comments! We make jokes in the office to ease up the environment - its relaxing, and work at the same time.

ouh.. and I FINALLY got enough money to change my phone? ROTFL. Its so fking embarassing to tell.

Well, a lot has changed - yet it seems to remain the same. Or should I put it this way - as long as I'm happy. Right?

P.s : love you all!! Dad Mom Meg Alice Mich Jasmynn Ying and everyone who went through this change with me.

Long time no post.

It has been long. Work is a constant bitch.

Life too... What else can we do besides succumbing to it?

pray really hard? I tried.

Well... trying to get adapt to this 'not-so-new' lifestyle has been tough.

Especially when you have a never-ending TO-DO-list.

and I practically sucked at everything, including my worsening relationship with my sister.

I was rude, and the only thing that she sees is that, I'm being rude.

Fyi, I've been avoiding the boyfriend-you're too young-you deserve better drama to happen.

Seems like, mom doesn't really care - dad's worried but being tied up by mom.

Rational thinking, I shouldn't even ask what's going on, since she's not under my jurisdiction.

Mom don't even care, why should I.

Sis's brain became jello with all the lovey dovey stuffs and I'm the villain bitch.

Spending my time worrying about her going out, and get a bad name??

'How can you be so rude?' - is what I get.

Why should I be such an irrational living thing?

Michy is right. I shouldn't turn my back on her, because there might be a day - she do need my help. I was there, all the time. And I will be. And, I'm not rude at her - just the guy that she's seeing, which totally makes sense because HE's got NOTHING to do with me. I practically am RUDE to everybody who's got nothing to do with me.

I was taught, to think the WORST out of every scenario. Which is why dad is a constant pain in the ass. It makes total sense because - I don't know where why how what you are really doing with this dude, whom I do not know. And the worse thing is that, I don't know when will you bring which phone number and will you pick up my call when I dial the number that I'm confused which is which. I'm not my mom, I care - in my way.

There have been numerous rotten examples of teenage problems, esp when you enter college. One tiny wrong step that you've taken - it will be the last thing that labels your status in this age. We are living in a country that is totally different from what we see in the movies - life is tougher than cat-fighting with fellow bitches who stole your boyfriend. People judge, and they judge beyond what they see - they ASSUME.

Go and have fun, but prioritize your life. If you don't love yourself more that everything else, nothing will love you as you deserved to.

And, family.

Re-think your family's position in your life. That is the thing I think lacks in your life.

haunted morning. glam-awesome night.

yeah..remember how my morning was haunted by the movies lost???

hope that the rest still works... arghhhhhh >

!!!!!TADAAAA!!!!!!

luckily, my adam lambert acoustic live CD 'arrived' safely. :-')

drowning in the hypnotic acoustic version of his.

especially 'Whataya Want From Me.'

a good start of the coming weekend?? =)

happy thursday peeps!!!!

p.s. I'll be humming Mad World & Soaked

in a distorted rhythm, probably for the next couple of years... ahahhahaha

wad went wrong with my stoopid DVD-rom??!!!!!

i officially lost all my moviesssss >

schindler's list

astraunaut's wife

transformers [not that im a biggg fan]

firewall

next

benjamin button

slumdog millionaire

AAAHHHH HOWWWW???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

exactly

the thing that i've been trying to ignore.

now..im officially a brat

GLAM NATION TOUR live in Malaysia 2010 ROCKS!!!!

Fyi,

this is the first concert that I have ever been..

not even a celebrity sighting or what...

and.. it's ADAM LAMBERT!!!

fill you all with more details soon.

all I can say is, I've totally lost myself in the concert.

so, thank you.

quote from the late King of Pop,

YOU ROCK MY WORLD.

&

please come to Malaysia again.

Tess.

Adam Lambert Glam Nation Tour Live in Malaysia 2010

PEOPLE!!!

ADAM LAMBERT IS IN TOWN!

and, I've scored 2 tickets from red.fm to the Bukit Jalil GLAM Nation Tour

Live in Malaysia Concert 2010.

and its TONIGHHTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

reasonable thinking...

I ought to bring my BFF, since she has got her tix since even before i started this AL craze...

and my dried up purse is a constant obstacle.

so... im bringing my sis.

even ms.bossy is complaining how i've been spoiling this ungrateful kid.

ANYWAY...

dont let the nutcrack ruin my night

here...is a letter for Adam Lambert...

Dear Adam,

This could be the only time that I will see you as a real live person

instead of music frequencies or 3D image in American Idol.

Even these tickets I have, is like...100 yards away from the stage.

Still, you have the best-est voice and style which

a combination I will never ever imagine anyone in it

[exceptional case for Lady Gaga].

Throw your best on stage and break a leg!!!

All the best and I will see you tonight!

PLEASEEEEE flash more of this look... so that my passes worths even more!

Tess from Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur. ^^

21st post

not literally the 21st post

frankly, i dont really like the fact that im already 21.

and, somehow i realised that i'm bad with comments.

and bad with people skills too.

sorry if i have offended anyone of you in any manner

under any circumstances

whenever i feel offended or something - i just want to runaway and hide.

and whenever i have offended anyone

i've asked quite a bunch of opinions from friends - dudes and babes.

go get a life.

i dream big - and now im stuck in reality to make my dream come true.

with all these problems and stuff, i was told that im jealous of my sister.

its true in the sense that, i wasn't given the talent to go wild

go wreckless and irresponsible.

the sad thing is, i find it kinda offensive.

my life, who are you to define MY life?

so... being caring is annoying?

being overprotective is shameful?

being worried is embarrassing?

what do i get in return?

bad name and a joke.

and tied by the kiasu spirit - i've being judgemental for my entire life.

now i know why people say breaking free is not easy.

i dont want to end up like normal people - i have bigger dreams.

and i do mean BIG dreams.

when i look into my future plans and dreams; it seems so far.

yet, im already 21 - soon, i'll turn 30, 40, 50.

its not really that far you know? i began to worry.

and right now? i don't even have the courage to make the decision

to take the step to tell my dad i want to buy a new phone.

nope.. its not about the phone.

its about all other future decisions i would have to make.

im too timid to make mistakes - which is really undesirable.

for the birthday wishes - i have realised that i've been making wishes not for myself.

for mom dad grandma sis bro and everybody else.

and i realised this not so long ago after i blew the candle off @ TGIF Gardens.

please give me the courage to be cruel and selfish.

so that i will worry less and get my life

as you are not worthy of my birthday wish.

thank you, for giving me all these wishes.

and i've spent it not-so-wisely for the past 21 years.

love you all.

from tess to

dad mom grandma aunt sis bro

alice sara chenguan levon

michelle jasmyn janet victor fanson joe ezu

moments

where affection has turned into insult.

how jolly.

i had to.

Sorry if this doesn't work for peeps who doesn't read chinese.

Plain my fault.

總是覺得寫中文是一件意義重大的事情。

如果不是很嚴重的事情﹐ 會用比較輕鬆的方法表達。

本來以為今晚會開開心心﹐很早睡。 皮膚變差了。。可沒人看。沒分別。

今天的心情﹐ 怪怪的。 混雜很多很多個語言。。。

一直以為﹐ 我不是一個逃兵。。。

一直以為﹐ 我很理智。。。

一直以為﹐ 我有天賦。。。

一直以為﹐ 我很盡責。。。

此時此刻﹐我想的東西。。。 與我無關

此時此刻﹐我想的東西。。。 無聊非常

此時此刻﹐我想的東西。。。 讓我傷感

此時此刻﹐我想的東西。。。 悲鬱催淚

我吗？
我的嗎？
是我的吗 ？

这一堆

幼稚，无聊，愚蠢，浪费时间

的举动。。

让我觉得

幼稚，无聊，愚蠢，浪费时间

因为，看到的 - 只有我自己

因为，担心的 - 只有我自己

因为，害怕的 - 只有我自己

因为，着急的 - 只有我自己

已经三个多月。。。

我一定是吃饱太闲 - 浪费时间，担心你被骗

我一定是吃饱太闲 - 浪费时间，担心你误下决定
我一定是吃饱太闲 - 浪费时间，担心你学业不达标

我没有权力后悔

因为你对我而言

是无价， 天骄， 独尊，唯一。

是不是应该当个逃兵， 才能止我眼泪？
是不是应该灭去理智， 才能去我悲郁？
是不是应该假装文艺， 才能发掘天赋？

是不是应该撇去盡責， 才能安心入眠？

是不是应该强挤微笑， 才能忘却悔意？

失败，没用，黯淡的人生，闷，无名，被唾弃

对我而言， 并不具任何杀伤

直到你。

我忘了。 忘了你是忘本的。

stay tuned for Dorian Gray

Not sure whether any of you have realised. When we are supposed to do researches on matters relevant to a topic, for instance; we google, wikipedia, yahoo and etc. Some will even subscribe in pages like dezeen, archdaily for more specific topics in art and design related matters. personally, I like deviantart, for the extensive collection of artworks and creativity. Well, Derailment, is what i would like to discuss today.

everytime after i watch a movie, or listened a song.. I'll go n wikipedia or google the thing that bugs me.. most of the time are actors or actresses who i don't recognise. Oooh, and also movies that Im dying to watch. My sister say that Im a psycho stalker, but thats not the point.

this time.. I was googling about Ghost.. I intended to read movie reviews and etc, instead.. the search literally came out ghostly. I end up reading stuffs about ghost... then The Bible, Doppelganger, Vampires, List of Haunted Houses etc. Fyi, Im a very 'kiasi' person.. but all this just wont stop until I came across this article about Dorian Gray.

Written by Oscar Wilde, which I think he is a little psychotic - the story is kinda interesting though. People have always wanted eternal youth and beauty. At least I want it. Its made into a movie now. People, anticipate it ^^

here's the link to wikipedia ^^

NEVER EVER #01

a post, dedicated to... whoever who reads.

these are sort of like... spontaneous rules that i hate in people

especially guys. no offense, but my humble existence is not for your exploitation.

we r going to start with rule #01

Drunkard

–noun

a person who is habitually or frequently drunk.

- sourced from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/drunkard

when people are drunk, especially alcoholics - they tend to have their mind skewed. this is a good thing, for poets and suicidal painters. when they cant think properly... they cant drive, they cant think straight, they cant walk, they cant digest conversations, and they tend to make fool of themselves and the person standing right next to them. sarcasm and idiosyncrasies are the side dish...right after a whole bloody pack of mid-way digested steak and soaked potatoes. unless the person that you have to tolerate is van gogh or mozart... never ever.

p.s: and after the cleaning-up-vomit and insomniac nightmare, he or she would deny every single shit when u confront them.

a week of melancholy

it's supposed to be happy

with all the comments, and reviews, appreciations, chilling out, birthdays, workloads.

there's not a moment that i do not miss you. when you were sitting next to me watching that stupid movie that you have always liked. when you were pouring soda when i turn on my favourite show. when i sit next to you watching how u solve the game that i will never now learn how to. when you called to buy me chocolates after your basketball practice. when you ask me how to solve algebra and i failed to explain it to you. when you bring back mini surprises for me after your tuition classes. when you crack lame jokes and made us laughed. when you bring back injured baby animals and ask me how to fix them.

wishing you were somehow here again. so that i can keep all my promises to you - that i can never now. you should have warned us, so that we can fix it. you should have warned us, so that we would have known and be able to help you with all your wishes. you should have warned us, so that i could have kept my promises. you should have warned us, so that i can fit you in the nicest clothes. you should have warned us, so that we could have eaten more sushi together. you should have warned us, so that i can spoil you rotten. you should have warned us, so i can tell you everyday how much i love you.

last week was awful that, its the second year that we couldn't celebrate your birthday. its sadder when i think of people who wronged you; when i misunderstood your condition as teenage rebellion. it gets even more terrible that, i couldn't recall any birthdays that we have celebrated with you. there will be no chance. not anymore.

im sorry that i did not take initiative to celebrate your birthdays. im sorry that i did not earn money soon enough to fit you into the nicest clothes. im sorry that i did not treat you to a decent meal before. im sorry that i did not buy you the phone that i have promised. im sorry that i did not bring you to starbucks. im sorry that i always push you to work with dad. im sorry that i was born a girl instead. im sorry that i did not notice your condition earlier to fix it; and everything ends there.

if there's an afterlife. i want you to be with me - with us altogether as a family again.

i will always love you.

Chopsticks

Random or not? I'd say it's a little bit of both. I have this weird obsession with chopsticks. When I makan, it feels awkward to eat with fork & spoon. I even eat spaghetti with chopsticks. [psst.. only at home] Well, as you know [or don't], chopsticks comes in a pair. Often used as a metaphor for co-operation and group work etc. I think there's a saying, but can't remember.

So, this occur to me when I was chatting with The Boss. Don't take it literally, it's just a nickname. We always have this hang out sessions.. just to chill out somewhere, play some pool game, UNO cards and gossips. It used to be 4, back in highschool. We were like.. chopsticks together. Well, 2 pairs of them. Tuition classes, shopping, bowling, chilling out. It has always been 4 of us together.

When grad, Ms. Boss departed; Ms. Skinny stayed; Ms Shorty lost contact. Dozens of reasons, chilling out have been a seasonal thing. And Ms. Shorty... was dating this guy since highschool. Thats another part of the story i blogged quite some time ago. *here*

Back to the chopstick story... To me, friends are like chopsticks. They are here for one reason - to be there for each other when there's anything. By anything, includes merry, melancholy, messed-ups, and make-ups. [it rhymes, I know] LOL

Back in highschool, girls like to read this japanese fashion magazine, despite the fact that, they couldn't understand even a syllable of it... Which I kinda despise for being unreasonably irrational. I wasn't very much into it, Ms. Boss and Ms Shorty paired up with this bimbo in my class; Ms Skinny was in account. That was the time that all this drama started. I guess people just don't work the way you think they will. I admit, I'm overly possessive and sometimes, manipulative. And when I feel that, the channel doesn't connect... I'll just ditch it.

Furthermore, I have had issues with Ms. Shorty since... Primary? [fyi, we studied in the same primary school but in different class] and, it has deep rooted in highschool year 1. It's a seating problem. I reported to school late because of some address thingy. So, when I enter the classroom, which is with Ms. Shorty. I sat beside her. The next day, she moved to a table across.

I know this sounds like a 4 years old issue.. but I'll probably carry it to my grave. What you treat is what you get. Well.. It wasn't an instant thing, yet accumulated. 'Lama-lama jadi bukit' I know. Call me a calculative bitch.

It has been a constant. When I'm not needed.. I'm invisible; When I'm needed, I'm a friend. Back at that time, I wasn't close with Ms Boss [she was in a different class] , and had a few chit-chatting with Ms. Skinny [same class with me, but different year]. Eventually, I was by myself besides Ms. Pineapple who sat next to me [she came here later the month after me]. Guys.. they sucked to the max that time. Stories later. Its officially the most embarrassing thing that has happened in my entire life.

Soon as Year 1 ended, we were re-assigned to different classes according to our grades. Ironically, Ms. Shorty was assigned to the same class with me. Same thing with Ms. Boss, and Ms. Skinny. Ms. Boss came to me first, say that she wants to sit beside me; just 5 minutes before Ms. Skinny... Last comes Ms. Shorty. I have always been wondering why I said yes back then. After that, we have been BFFs ever since.

I was the reason this whole BFF thing is happening... and Ms. Shorty kinda take it for granted. We have had issues... big and sort-of we-go-seperate-way issues. I have noticed, felt horrible about it... we resolved it some how. Yet, the 'bukit' turned Everest.

I have a major crack head issue with people who I consider friend, take it for granted. After 4 years... she finally called us for a chill out session - because she broke up with that guy that she has been dating since highschool.. and why they broke up? Because the guy cheated on her, after she called for a relationship break.

Call me a bitch... but I think that is non of my business because I wasn't part of the story. Fyi, I didn't know that she was dating that guy, until some random ass from junior batch came and ask me whether they are dating or not. That is how you treat your BFF. Probably I was the only one who were that naive to think that I am her BFF, or was? Anyway, it doesn't really matter now.

And Ms Skinny... she's turning into Ms Shorty in the early stage. Busy all the time and everything the universe rotates around the boyfriend. Valentines, White Christmas, Red Christmas, Anniversary, Weekend hangout, Movie session, Dinner, Meet the parents, Travel to hometown, Buy him breakfast, Birthdays. Out of 365days, couldn't there be a chill out session for the so-called BFFs?

Call me ego and self-centered, but I rather spend my time for something else.. than wasting it on a relationship that I know it will repeatedly fail again.